A traditional Friday Joke:

[Bruce Fielding]

There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

[Alec]

[quote="Positron"]
Subject - New parenting skills... better than spanking. . . .
[/quote]

[quote="Curator"]
99 in a parked Ford. That is funny..
[/quote]

Isn't it funny how that joke with the kid on the bonnet got virtually the same reply when it was first posted 10 months ago. 

[quote="Bruce Fielding"]
Most of the world's people think it improper to spank children. . . .
[/quote]

[quote="MadMaxedAtom"]
How is that Ford going 99mph in park?
[/quote]

[Heywood-Yablowme]

Hey! Max and I must think along the same lines!  I knew I liked him for some reason.   ;D



How DO you remember such things,Alec.   I shall have to appoint you Librarian of the unofficial Atom museum!

[Alec]

[quote="Curator"]
Hey! Max and I must think along the same lines!  I knew I liked him for some reason.   ;D


How DO you remember such things,Alec.   I shall have to appoint you Librarian of the unofficial Atom museum!
[/quote]

That one was easy as I remembered the photo.

Visual images seem to stick in my mind but it's names I can't remember.

I'll remember peoples faces but when it comes to putting names to them I don't stand a chance.

When I was a teacher, with around 30 kids in each class, they were nearly all called 'Hey you'. 

[wisp]

[quote="Alec"]
Visual images seem to stick in my mind but it's names I can't remember.

I'll remember peoples faces but when it comes to putting names to them I don't stand a chance.

[/quote]

Ditto and it's not an age thing. I've always been like that.

[positron]

Guess I missed that one  .. I've got CRS..

*Can't Remember Sh*t...*




hmmm ... Gas....... brake... turn.. repeat..  yeah.. I'm good...

[Bruce Fielding]

INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

18: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

20: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

21: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox360. End of story.

22: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

23: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the bum and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

[Driver]

Whether you own a dog or not,  you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!


Dog For Sale:
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy sh1t.'

[Alec]

[quote="Bruce Fielding"]
INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS

20: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

[/quote]

[Hedge]

[quote="Driver"]
Most of them knew him as 'Holy sh1t.'[/i]
[/quote]

Absolute classic line 

Cheers, Hedge

[Heywood-Yablowme]

I'm glad I don't have to clean up his holy sh1t...

[bm97ppc]

10 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

8. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

9 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

10. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

[John Lloyd]

A couple of one liners from Tommy Copper

What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner?  The cold shoulder.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find them.

Two fish in a tan, one says to the other - "You drive I'll man the gun.

I went to the doctor's the other day and he said "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu. So I went there abd I got it.

I said to the waiter "This chicken you served me is cold."  He said "It should be it's been dead for a month."

Went to the dentist the other day.  He said "Say aah." I said "Why?".  He said "My dogs dead."

Two aerials meet on the roof, fall in love and get married.  The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

"Doctor, I can't stop singing Green Green Grass Of Home."  "You've got Tom Jones syndrome."  "Is that common?"  I asked.  "It's not unusual ," replied the doctor.

[Alec]

For all the lexiophiles (lovers of words)


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tyred.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

8. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

9. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

10. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

11. Every calendar's days are numbered.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

16. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

17. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

18. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[dingo]

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