A traditional Friday Joke:

[Driver]

DEATHBED CONFESSION
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky,"let the poison work."


and another.....

First Remote Control

[DFext37 Fielding]

Guess what day it is tomorrow, Joke Day.

[John Lloyd]

Why did the clock get thrown out of the window?

To see time fly!!!

Is it Friday now?

[Driver]

here's a traditional joke and it is already Friday somewhere in the world.

So here's a naked bird for you. And so befitting for this time of year, and today in the States.


















ta-dahh....!

[Angie-Babe]

Driver you promised me you wouldn't show anyone that pic of me 

[Driver]

No , no, that was the Bird laying beside you. You are to the left in the orignal picture. Kindof hard to tell with it's block gone, but you can tell because of the lack of niblets.... 

[Barney]

Well it's Friday where I am.........

They won't be putting any Christmas trees up in Vietnam this year, but they might be hanging Glitter.

[Driver]

Ok here's a real friday joke, forwarded from my Father.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish.  They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams.  My seats are sagging. Seat belts?  I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood!

Air bag's?  Forget it.  The only bags I have these days are under my eyes.  Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer.  Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.  I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....  either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

[Bruce Fielding]

This also from a father - mine (who's a member of theis forum but doesn't post here... are all my relatives here?)



A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be
something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

[DFext37 Fielding]

What is the difference between an F1 car and a Giraffe? - One's got Hydraulics, the other has got Hybollocks. 

[Bruce Fielding]

Not specifically a joke, but a great podcast and the sound of sniffpetrol:

http://www.garethjones.tv/speedrss.xml

To subscribe, go to iTunes (or whatever) and go to 'Advanced' then 'Subscribe to podcast', then put the above URL there

[Driver]

Energizer Bunny Death Notice

I'm saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.

AP August 22, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..."  passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

gotta be careful with those batteries!!!!!!

[FAST BUCK]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has
the
puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment,
then
Looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".

"Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed,

"let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

[Mitch]

Its Friday on my part of the planet - so lets get this party started....

"What do you say to an unemployed actor?"

"Big Mac with fries, thanks!"

[benyeats]

First Friday joke from the UK (from a cracker this lunch time)

How do you get down from an elephant ?

You don't you get down from a duck