A traditional Friday Joke:

[DFext37 Fielding]

yeah saw that a coupe of years ago.

Infact we had a guy at school called 'Sam Ping Wong', we used to say 'sir, there is something wrong with Sam Ping Wong'.

[Bruce Fielding]

OK, so it's thursday...



Man goes to the doctor complaining of deafness

Doctor says, "What are the symptoms?"

Man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family... What's that got to do with it?"

[John Scherrer]

Nothing succeeds like a parrot ..

John

[Driver]

If it helps this WAS sent to me last Friday:

A friend of mine sent me this link and told me to check out the customer reviews for a T-Shirt on Amazon... and while I usually ignore these kinds of things, this just cracked me up so I thought I'd share:



Just scroll down to where the customer reviews begin and start reading and start laughing. :-)

[Alec]

[quote="Driver"]
If it helps this WAS sent to me last Friday:

A friend of mine sent me this link and told me to check out the customer reviews for a T-Shirt on Amazon... and while I usually ignore these kinds of things, this just cracked me up so I thought I'd share:



Just scroll down to where the customer reviews begin and start reading and start laughing. :-)

[/quote]

So how have you been getting on since yours arrived Ken? 

[Driver]

Still sitting by myself. Dang thang ain't werkin'..

PS: Saw this last week on Joy Of tech.. uh oh, it's gone viral...:

[atomizer]

An old man walks into a Social Security Office to apply for Retirement benefits. Upon being asked for I.D the old man remembered he forgot it.
The lady behind the counter said "Do you have any proof of your age? "and the old man says he forgot his wallet and does not want to drive all the way back home to get it.  So he rips open his shirt  to reveil his grey haired chest. " Is this good enough proof for ya that I qualify?" he says to the Lady.
The lady laughs and proceeds with the application.  The old man after driving home is excited to share with his wife the story of how he qualified for retirement by simply ripping open his shirt.  His wife without skipping a beat responded you should have dropped your pants too and then you would have qualified for disability as well!"

[bodnet]

Couple of hours early, but never mind 

Someone sent me the link to this really funny vid -

I hate youtube links with no indication of content (yes I know I have done that in the past), so - the title of the vid is "Trainspotters denied orgasm"   


Bod

[John Lloyd]

I'm in the process of putting up this signage on the church and recently received this image from the design company, to show where the signs should go.

Great name for a Church!




(For our USA friends "Baps" are a slang word for tits here in the UK.)

[Bruce Fielding]

OK

So it's not Friday, but no one has posted a joke since July and that's far too long!



TERRORIST THREAT LEVELS WORLDWIDE


The British are feeling the pinch following recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut! Lets hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain,"Strewth!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[wisp]

Well it's almost Friday (1 hour down here)... this link was posted on FaceBook by NZV8 Magazine. It's a link to an ingenious solution to an oil leak on a Jeep (with photos).

  http://www.ifsja.org/forums/vb/showthread.php?t=102133

[AlanP]

Another mythical accident report, but quite funny.


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information
on Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new
six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of
500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a puIley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.
Securlng the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block II of the accident report form that I weigh
135 Ibs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightIy, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the puIley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you
again to my weight, as you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.

In the vicinity of the third fIoor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile and fortunately onlv three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and I let go of the rope.

I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben

Wagga Glass e Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2550

[Bruce Fielding]

Not mythical...

...Beautifully crafted by Gerald Hoffnung - and better when read in his voice!

[wasp]

Ok, it's been a while and life is too serious so I decided to cheer myself up....I have decided i want a new 911.

I mentioned this on my Facebook page and suddenly I seem to have 3000 new Muslim friends

Someone else please do better, it wouldn't be that tough!

Cheers,

Stu

[wisp]

Ancient Indian knowledge

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh1t. Someone stole tent.'