A traditional Friday Joke:

[apollyon25]

Two bulls are standing at the top of a hill when they notice the herd of cows at the bottom of the field.
The young bull turns to the old one and says excitedly,

"Lets run down there and f**k us a cow!!!"

The old bull, thinks about this for a minute before responding,

Nah, f**k it, lets walk down and f**k them ALL!"

Moral of the story:
Youth and enthusiasm will always be beaten by old age and treachery.

[wisp]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

[John Scherrer]

Excellent!

Seen written on the wall next to the condom machine in the gents (rest room) with a big arrow pointing to the coin slot ..

"Insert baby here for refund !"

John

[Bruce Fielding]

It's Friday... and my chum Miriam is BRILLIANT!

Rabbits

[PaulP]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -  Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[wisp]

[quote="PaulP"]
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

[/quote]

I've heard it said that "you can beat an egg but a root is hard to beat".....

.....but apparently a root can easily be beet.

[John Scherrer]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting  New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda
patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes
me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the
Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic)
'The sheep's a f**king' liar!'

[wisp]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

[wisp]

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

[wisp]

SEX IN DA MORNING....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

...As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is Going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.



Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[John Scherrer]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind  him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
'What's yours?' 
'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says,
'Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp.
When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks,
'What's with the bloody emu?' 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers,
'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[John Scherrer]

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. Any woman can have the body of a 21yr old - as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
11. Men are always whining about how women suffocate them.  But if you can hear them whining you're not pushing hard enough on the pillow.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up thirty thousand times the memory.
14. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
16. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.          (Yes - this IS a repeat !!)
17. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
18. Ever notice how the people that tell you to "calm down" are the ones that made you mad in the first place.
19. They call it PMS because "Mad Cow" Disease was already taken.
20. Bacon and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

[bodnet]

The England Team visited a South African Orphanage this morning. "So heartbreaking seeing their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal aged 6

Disclaimer: this joke is from facebook and I know nothing about football

[DarthChicken]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..

“Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

It sure was,' said the little girl..My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'f^ck off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

[wisp]

A cattle drover walks into an outback bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

He says, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'