A traditional Friday Joke:

[Driver]

Santa was very cross.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.  The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says "Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

[Driver]

Here's one more in keeping with the XMas theme:

An engineer speaks on Christmas...

• No known species of reindeer can fly.  But it is estimated that  there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,  and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not  COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
• There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  But  since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and  Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378  million according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average  (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million  homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
• Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the  different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he  travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6  visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household  with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of  the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the  remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever  snacks have been  left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to  the next house.
    Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed  around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the  purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about  ...78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not  counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31  hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving  at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times  the speed of sound.  For  purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses  space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional  reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
• The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego  set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting  Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land,  conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting  that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal  amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We need  214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even counting the  weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison - this  is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
• 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous  air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as  spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead air of  reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per  second,.each.  In short, they will burst into flame almost  instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create  deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be  vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, will  be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than  gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be  pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve..... he's dead now.

Hmm... care to check these figures? 

[Bruce Fielding]

[quote="Driver"]
Here's one more in keeping with the XMas theme:

An engineer speaks on Christmas...

[/quote]

See... you're still thinking three dimensionally. Since children read this baord, I need to point out that Santa doesn't nececssarily operate in three dimensional space, and therefore delivering present IF YOU'VE BEEN GOOD is quite possible and indeed happens.

[Bruce Fielding]

Santa likes a tipple:

http://www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf

Use the arrow keys to move him

[Bruce Fielding]

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics decended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted " He's behind you!!"

[Bruce Fielding]

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's
not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He
does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn,
innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's
filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're
wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about
to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message
from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're
killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You
must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's
safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an'
Jesus turns water into Stella.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

[Bruce Fielding]

Hey - it's Friday and we haven't had a joke yet!

[AtomFun]

A man was in an accident and his willy was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said,

"We can replace it with a small size for £2,000, a medium size for £5,000, or an extra-large size for £10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."

When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor.

"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

[rhino]

Christmas greetings from Kevin Bloody Wilson...

http://www.kevinbloodywilson.com/animations/xmas.htm

Best if you have a sound...

[Driver]

So this 5yr old Muslim boy is sitting in the surgical wing of the hospital on a gurney. He's fidgety, and nervous not knowing what to expect. As he awaits a young jewish boy about his age is wheeled in with a broken arm. They strike up a conversation and the Jewish boy asks the Muslim boy what he's in for. The Muslim replies that he's getting a cirkumcision and he's really nervous because he doesn't know what to expect. The Jewish boy replied "I was circumsized when I was a baby". The Muslim asked "How bad was it?" To this the Young jewish boy replied "I don't know what it is...  but I couldn't walk for a whole year!."

[Driver]

In keeping with my aim to put some Christmas humor here each Friday here's a story (I have others but this is 'racy' enough - trying to keep it at least PG, not R):

Christmas at Home

As a joke, my brother used to hand a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downstown.  If youv'e never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll confuse yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love dolls come in many different models.  The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for "Lovable Louise."  She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone.  I filled dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house  and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.  "What the hell is that?" she asked.  My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.  I had several condidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.  "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran." Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any theeth?" Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"  I told him she was Jay's friend.  A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

Th dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through mynose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.  It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.  Louise went on to start in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her.

[Bruce Fielding]

This generation's true genius at one-liners. I just unearthed a collection:


I  spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"

Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.

Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information" I said, "I can't find my socks" She said, "They're behind the couch"

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile" I spent last summer folding it.

I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My friend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "The whole time"

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old" I said, "I'll wait"

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

I named my dog "Stay"... so I can say "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay."

One time right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and started reading...The guy said "What the hell are you

doing? I said "Let me ask you a question...If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light, and then you turned your headlights on...would they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said "Forget it then, I don't want to work for you."

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down...I just have to fill in the rest.

Coming back from Canada...as I crossed over the border...I was asked if had any firearms...I said, "What do you need?"

My watch is three hours fast and I can't fix it, so I'm going to move to New York.

I was on a ski lift with another person...no one I knew...and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the

mountain...then he said, "I haven't been skiing in ten years." I said "How come?" He said "I was in jail." I didn't say anything. He said, "You wanna know why?" I said, "Not really." He said, "I'll tell you anyway... I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel."

I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out now I can go 300 mp/h.

The power in my apartment went out the other night. I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around. I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli...sold #3 for $28 bucks.

What do batteries run on?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song...the guy who wrote that wrote everything.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums.

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile...for a satellite picture.

I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.

Once I worked for a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington...one day a man walked in and said "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know...let me ask Tony."

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre...a one-way round-trip ticket... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... that way you still have the weekend.

I got an answering machine for my phone...now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up...they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Sorry...my mind was wandering...one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said "Do you live around here often?" And she said, "You're wearing two different colored socks"...and I said, "I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness."

I have the oldest typewriter in the world...it types in pencil.

I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge...a lot of people are afraid of heights...not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed... I have a Court Jester size bed... it's red and green, has bells on it...and the ends curl up.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

[Driver]

Steven Wright, folks. One of the funniest,dryest comics around. His deadpan delivery of most of the material you see above is a riot.

[DFext37 Fielding]

3 blondes walked into a BAR, surely, 1 of them must of been able to of seen it!!

[benyeats]

[quote="Driver"]
Steven Wright, folks. One of the funniest,dryest comics around. His deadpan delivery of most of the material you see above is a riot.
[/quote]

Problem is in the UK when most of us think of Steve Wright we think of 'Steve Wright in the afternoon' which was an unfunny radio 1 show in the early 90's, come to mention it it might be on radio 2 now perhaps some of the older posters can tell us ?

Ben