A traditional Friday Joke:

[FAST BUCK]

An accountant gets home late one night from work and his wife asks,
>"Where in the hell have you been?"
>
>He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
>"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of a tattoo did you get?"
>
>"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.
>"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disbelief.
>"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his
>privates?"
>
>"Well, for one... I like to watch my money grow...
>Two, ... Once in awhile I like to play with my money...
>Three, ... you'll like how money feels in your hand... and
>lastly... instead of you going out shopping every week-end,
>now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime
you
>want!!!

[DFext37 Fielding]

Here are a couple of really crappy jokes that i made up (even though its Thursday, remember it for Friday).

What do you call a Church Prayer that's been changed? - Amend....

I can't think of the other one that i made up, i will post it when i remember it, that's how crap the joke was that i forgot it, maybe that was the joke...

[Angie-Babe]

Very Good  (I wondered why your name was Fast Buck) Now I know  why

[Bruce Fielding]

Yoda dancing?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 5200963792

[Bruce Fielding]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005 ... ase-p1.php

[Bruce Fielding]

A man went to a zoo. The only animal there was a dog.

















It was a shitzu.

[DFext37 Fielding]

For you people, who love a good old Dr, Dr joke!

'Dr, Dr, i think i have a motorbike stuck inside me', 'please stop chattering!'

This was the one i forgot yesterday.

[DFext37 Fielding]

Go on here and you'll see some proper crackers, (not birds, i mean jokes) (ha, ha, couch, cough!)

http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp

[Bruce Fielding]

Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Stanley Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing clothing or newly painted panels.

Electric Hand Drill
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Vice-Grips
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxy-Acetylene torch
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never find your BIC when you want it.

Whitworth Sockets
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old cigarettes from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me another beer"

Hydraulic Jack/Platform
Ingeniously-designed tool for flipping cars onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.

Eight-Foot Long piece of 2X4
Used for levering a car upright after using a hydraulic jack

Tweezers
A tool for removing wood splinters (see above).

Phone
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack (see above).

Gasket Scraper
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a supercharged Atom off the floor.

Stanley 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from your battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Lead Light
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200km away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts and rounds them off. Also used for tightening wheel nuts on a car to the point that if you get a flat you have no chance of undoing them with your wheel brace on the side of the road.

High Pressure Cleaner
A device that takes tape water up to a high enough pressure to be able to wash grease out of wheel bearings whilst still on the car. Also useful in removing stickers and paint.

[Driver]

Good one Bruce!

Here's some local flavor from my neck of the woods. Consider it fair warning for people that haven't been here before, and fond memories for those 'world travelers' out there...

Rules of Austin

1. First, it's pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. (If yer an aggressive driver, you reign. If yer not, just stay calm and try to stay outta the way.)

3. All directions start with "Go down Mopac...'cause you don't want to get on I-35." No one knows for sure what 'Mopac' means.

4. Burnet Road, Braker Lane, and Lamar Blvd have no beginning and no end.

5. It is impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a scenic drive.

6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30p to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a burnt-orange hue. This is Longhorn Country, after all.

8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your Dell Tag around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop.

Ninety-eight percent of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9. Just remember that Mopac = Loop 1; Capital of Texas Hwy = 360; and U.S.183 = Research Blvd., Anderson Lane, Ed Bluestein Blvd. and Old Bastrop Hwy; 2222 = Northland Dr. or Allendale Rd. or Koenig Lane. (Takes twice the brains to live here, see?)
***Also don't forget Ben White/290/71 which also turns into Capital of Tx Hwy/Loop 360***
****Remember I-35 is also 290 between 290W (north) and Ben White (south), which is also 290 and 71!!****

Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, and not sweat, all traffic must immediately come to a screeching halt; ditto for daylight savings time, a female UT student applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. (Geez, so true.)

11. DO NOT attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or SXSW (South by Southwest Music Convention). Construction on I-35 AND U.S. 183 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Attn: All telephone solicitors...DO NOT correct my pronunciation when I say I live in Manchaca, TX. It's pronounced MAN-shack (just like a man living in shack). Also realize that the city of Manchaca (MANshack) is in Hays and Travis Counties, and there is also a very long street in Austin named Manchaca (MANshack)!

The city of Manor and Manor Rd. are pronounced 'MAY-ner'. We don't like corrections on that either.

And, for God's sake, DON'T pronounce the 'E' at the end of Guadalupe. It's Gwada-LOOP and we like it that way!

13. Burnet Road is pronounced BURN-it, not Bur-NET. Koenig Lane is pronounced KAE-nig not KOE-nig. The old airport (Robert Mueller) is pronounced Robert Miller and is on Airport Boulevard. The new airport (Austin-Bergstrom) is no where near Airport Boulevard. It's in the city of Del Valle pronounced Dell Valley!

14. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed 'hippie' in worn-out sandals and earrings is probably the latest millionaire around here. (Which means: be nice to all people under the sun. Yes, even the homeless guy on the corner.)

15. Stay away from the Congress Ave bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It has the Largest Mexican Free Tail Bat Population in the US. (And its frikkin awesome to see them depart at dusk EVERYDAY to go munch on like 20 tons of insects. So cool. And much fewer mosquito bites for us!)

16. And, yes, we all know that there's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress Ave. It's Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do. Surely, you have a homeless, celebrity drag queen that likes to run for Mayor where you live, too, right?

Now you'll never wonder why there are so many bumper stickers that say 'Keep Austin Weird'

[Bruce Fielding]

It's old, it's crude, it's as politically incorrect as they come... but it made me laugh and I'm feeling delicate this morning...:


A Dwarf with a speech impediment goes to a stud farm to buy a horse. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse ?" asks the owner. "A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare. " Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?". The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?". Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf
and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?" With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head inside the
horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"

[FAST BUCK]

And I was worried that some of my jokes where to rude!

[Driver]

Texas Fishing:

(Not photoshopped)

[DFext37 Fielding]

Heres one i heard earlier;

A Posh bloke goes to his local golf club.

Whilst parking his car, the local tramp sees his car and asks the man if he could clean his car inside and out, the posh man agrees to his plead, and so whilst the posh man plays his round of golf, the tramp is away cleaning the car, but he stops and looks at a set of golf tees, he thinks what are these?

The man comes back to find his car cleaned beautifuly, the tramp asks what the tees are for, the posh bloke answers, 'you put your balls on them before you drive off', the tramp replies' blimmey the things Rolls-Royce think of these days'!!!

[Bruce Fielding]

[quote="Driver"]
Texas Fishing:

(Not photoshopped)
[/quote]

In England, we throw those 'tiddler's back...