A traditional Friday Joke:

[Bruce Fielding]

VIZ Top Reader's Letters:

"One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!
Mike Woods

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

[upnatom]

Superb. I can't belive I've fallen out of the habit of buying Viz. I'd happily post some of the best entries from this years Rogers Profanasorous, but it would take a while to typo the colourful language for a family audience

My vote for best Viz top tip goes to (probably looses something from my dodgy memory of the original genius wording):

Kids, have you ever found then when out twock'ing cars those pesky coppers keep catching you with their helicopters and infra red cameras? Simply sleep in the deep freeze on the day before a good night's blagging and they'll never catch you again.

[John Lloyd]

How many mechanics does it take to repair an Atom?







I don't know, but I wish they would bloody well get on with it! 

[benyeats]

I had a top tip published in Viz once, can't quite recall when but it was also read out on Steve Wright in the afternoon when it was on Radio 1 which should date it.  Still never miss an issue.

Oh and the tip was

"change the temperature of your bath by adding varying amounts of hot and cold water.  Remember their will always be an underlying downward trend"

Ben

[Bruce Fielding]

One of my favourites was:

Save thousands on personalised numberplates, change your name to the numberplate you already have
from WA53RZZ, London

[FAST BUCK]

i've got one for you,

A young man takes his girlfriend out for a meal , they decided to take his new Lamborghini which the young man has just purchased.
On arrival at the resturant they come across an alcoholic tramp stumbling around in the entrance of the car park.
After a quick joke along the lines of "isn't that your ex boyfriend"(the tramp couldn't hear) the young man proceeded to drive to the end of the 100 metre car park and park.

As the young man tilted up his wing mirrors in a James Bond style to park he caught a flicker of a mans figure in the mirror!      ('im a poet and i don't know it!)

As the young man exited the car to further inspect he realised it was the tramp swaying beside his new Lamborghini!
Some how, faster than Ben Johnson on steriods the tramp had managed to swagger his way to this jewel in the motor industry!
The very second the young man closed his door the tramp PUNCHED the side of the car with all his might!
With no reason to do so (apart from 2 bottles of JD) the tramp then went for the car again!
At this point the young man stepped in!

Spacing him self between the car and the tramp using his body as a baracade. The sixty year old tramp who was druling like dog then continuded to verbally assault the young man (even though not one word was understood)
The girlfriend by this time was running to get the resturant owner and the police were called.

Being a gentleman the young man did not resort to violence but tried to resolve the matter verbally, but as the tramp couldn't get one word out properly this was proving hard to do.
As a string of moist spit landed on the young mans NEW shirt from the tramps mouth he decided to knock the old tosser out!

But the tramp was saved by the bell as the police turned up and dragged the stinking old piss pot into the back of a meat wagon.
On inspection of the Lamborghini there seemed to be no damage and the young man was then invited to park it in the disabled bay directly outside the resturant which was flood lit with cameras.
The owner of the restaurant then personally escorted the couple to his best seats and they seat down to enjoy a lovely meal.
On arrival at the bar the young man(sent to get drinks) seemed to be the centre of attention with everyone gossiping about the flash car and the nights events, one waitress in particular was showing exceptional interest in the young man but he later found out it wasn't because he owned a Lamborghini or that he was 6 foot 4, it was because he still had a sting of the tramps drull over his shirt!

I hope you found this funny as i didn't
Moral of the story:  If you see a drunk in the road , run him over , it could turn nasty!

[FAST BUCK]

http://www.qarxis.com/Fainting_Goats

now that's funny, friday or not!

[benyeats]

[quote="FAST BUCK"]
http://www.qarxis.com/Fainting_Goats

now that's funny, friday or not!

[/quote]

I have seen a fleet of these in the states, it is quite amazing how they all drop down in that video, I tried for ages to get the ones I saw to fall over but with no luck (unless it was an elaborate hoax)

Ben

[AtomFun]

[quote="benyeats"]
[I have seen a fleet of these in the states, it is quite amazing how they all drop down in that video, I tried for ages to get the ones I saw to fall over but with no luck (unless it was an elaborate hoax)

Ben
[/quote]

Thank God you weren't seen doing that in Wales!!! Although folklore would have that it's quite normal behaviour of Welshmen in wellies!! 

[nickthegreek]

An old mag of viz - wouldn't Ford XR3i's convertibles make wicked roller-skates for dinosaur's.

[Bruce Fielding]

The world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the Sounds that they Make. Available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on wasps of the world goes into the booth and puts on the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on wasps of the world and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP."



"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."

[AtomFun]

The Germans are Coming .....

"EuroEnglish" - Rated G

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[Driver]

*****Bad Day*****

A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance." "I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener."

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.........."

*****Heard on a Flight *****
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

******* The Alarm Clock ********
Jane and her husband were having a little spat and were giving each other the silent treatment. During the week Sharon's husband had an important appointment and had to be at the airport in time. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 A.M."
The next morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why Jane hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bed.... It said in Jane's handwriting... "It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!"

******* Creativity ********
A customer sat down at a table in a very exclusive restaurant and tied a napkin around his neck. The restaurant owner was a bit taken aback at this because it was attracting unfavorable reactions from the other customers. So, he called a waiter and instructed him, "Try to make him understand, as tactfully as possible, that that's not done here." Said the thoughtful waiter to the customer: "Pardon me , sir. Shave or haircut sir?"

[FAST BUCK]

I was driving down the A1m the other day. (Going a little faster than I
should have been)

I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a
radar
gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with a classic
patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do."

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused.  "A what? A rectum stretcher??

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well" I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in work side
to
side until I can get both hands in, and I slowly but surly stretch the
hole,
until it's about 6 feet."

The copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what so you do
with
a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a
bridge...."


Speeding Ticket: £105

Penalty Points:  3

Court Costs:  £45

Look on coppers face:  Priceless!!!!

[szemy]

fast buck...
big lol