anyway ..... lightening up for a while ..

[John Scherrer]

I've removed some sections for political correctness ..


    * Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD
collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to
Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the
judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
     
    * What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old
Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77.
Beat that.
     
    * Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding
pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy
reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my
wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
     
    * Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor
advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the
letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who
lives with us. Close call!
     
    * What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the
floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some
chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone
offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they
say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.
     
       
    * WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive
compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and
constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in
no time.
     
    * Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but
McDonalds continue serving those fat f***ers? Its hardly
fair.
     
    * Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger
DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him
on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never
saw his lips move once. Genius
     
    * The person who coined the phrase "as different as
chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's
cheddar.
     
    * They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me
it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst
watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
     
    * If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls
make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that
the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its
contribution to astrophysics?
     
    * These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything,
they slow you down
     
    * We should remember the tremendous contribution of the
Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she
"bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the
war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my
grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left
his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then
North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany .
The shame will always be with us.
     
   
     
    * I would just like to say a big thank you to all those
wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and
in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where
they lead to. 


    * Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over
the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most
terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must
be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
     
    * So Sting is able to sh*g his wife for five hours
without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil
painting either.
     
    * I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown
receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to
know is................ who's sending the other one?