Question: How do you tell the difference between a New Zealand Police Officer, An Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer: Pose the following question:
"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying your police issue firearm, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
NZ POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 1-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case.
Does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? .
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer:
BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''
A traditional Friday Joke:
-
wisp
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
A Brit, a Scot and a Kiwi are all drinking beer at a pub in Toronto.
The Brit says "This is a nice place, but doesn't compare to the pub back home. If you ordered four pints, the bartender would personally buy you your fifth pint!"
"That's nothing!" said the Scot. "Back in my home town, you only had to buy two pints before you got a free one!" The Brit was impressed with this, but not the Kiwi.
"Boys, you both don't know good bars. Back where I'm from, someone would offer you a drink the minute you walked through the door. And then another and another 'til you're good and drunk. Once you are drunk, someone would make sure to take you home safe. Then once you're home, they'd make sure you got laid!"
"WOW!" said the Brit. But the Scot looked sceptical "That's crap! You've never been to a bar like that!"
The Kiwi shook his head and said "Oh no! Not personally, but my sister has plenty of times!"
The Brit says "This is a nice place, but doesn't compare to the pub back home. If you ordered four pints, the bartender would personally buy you your fifth pint!"
"That's nothing!" said the Scot. "Back in my home town, you only had to buy two pints before you got a free one!" The Brit was impressed with this, but not the Kiwi.
"Boys, you both don't know good bars. Back where I'm from, someone would offer you a drink the minute you walked through the door. And then another and another 'til you're good and drunk. Once you are drunk, someone would make sure to take you home safe. Then once you're home, they'd make sure you got laid!"
"WOW!" said the Brit. But the Scot looked sceptical "That's crap! You've never been to a bar like that!"
The Kiwi shook his head and said "Oh no! Not personally, but my sister has plenty of times!"
-
benyeats
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
[quote="wisp"]
A Brit, a Scot and a Kiwi are all drinking beer at a pub in Toronto.
The Brit says "This is a nice place, but doesn't compare to the pub back home. If you ordered four pints, the bartender would personally buy you your fifth pint!"
"That's nothing!" said the Scot. "Back in my home town, you only had to buy two pints before you got a free one!" The Brit was impressed with this, but not the Kiwi.
"Boys, you both don't know good bars. Back where I'm from, someone would offer you a drink the minute you walked through the door. And then another and another 'til you're good and drunk. Once you are drunk, someone would make sure to take you home safe. Then once you're home, they'd make sure you got laid!"
"WOW!" said the Brit. But the Scot looked sceptical "That's crap! You've never been to a bar like that!"
The Kiwi shook his head and said "Oh no! Not personally, but my sister has plenty of times!"
[/quote]
A Brit and a Scot eh ? interesting
A Brit, a Scot and a Kiwi are all drinking beer at a pub in Toronto.
The Brit says "This is a nice place, but doesn't compare to the pub back home. If you ordered four pints, the bartender would personally buy you your fifth pint!"
"That's nothing!" said the Scot. "Back in my home town, you only had to buy two pints before you got a free one!" The Brit was impressed with this, but not the Kiwi.
"Boys, you both don't know good bars. Back where I'm from, someone would offer you a drink the minute you walked through the door. And then another and another 'til you're good and drunk. Once you are drunk, someone would make sure to take you home safe. Then once you're home, they'd make sure you got laid!"
"WOW!" said the Brit. But the Scot looked sceptical "That's crap! You've never been to a bar like that!"
The Kiwi shook his head and said "Oh no! Not personally, but my sister has plenty of times!"
[/quote]
A Brit and a Scot eh ? interesting
-
wisp
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
[quote="benyeats"]
A Brit and a Scot eh ? interesting
[/quote]
Maybe a Cal Scot who no longer lives in Ol' Blighty.
Or maybe it's a futuristic joke.
A Brit and a Scot eh ? interesting
[/quote]
Maybe a Cal Scot who no longer lives in Ol' Blighty.
Or maybe it's a futuristic joke.
-
PaulP
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
'Dr Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
-
AtomMadStew
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
Amusing sticker in a landcruiser said "If you can read this.........I'VE LOST MY F.ing CARAVAN (Picture of caravan rolling backwards down a hill)
-
Flying Phil
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
Sign in a Canadian business window :... Happy to serve anyone who opposes the Canadian forces in Afghanistan"
It was a funeral home.
It was a funeral home.
-
A 007 TOM
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
-
A 007 TOM
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
-
A 007 TOM
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
They make me smile too. When I said fair point I meant to also point out it was irrelevant - the clue is in the title of the thread!
If you want new, never before heard, joke perhaps a new thread may be the answer
If you want new, never before heard, joke perhaps a new thread may be the answer
-
skilly
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
A blunt and straight talking Yorkshire man wakes up with a sore anus,so he goes to the village shop and says to assistant
"naa then Lad as tha got any arse cream"
"certainly Sir" says the assistant "do you want a magnum or a cornetto"
Guy walks in to a hotel and begins checking into his room. he asks the clerk. "Is the porn on my telly disabled?"
No, she replies, "its regular porn you sicko"
"naa then Lad as tha got any arse cream"
"certainly Sir" says the assistant "do you want a magnum or a cornetto"
Guy walks in to a hotel and begins checking into his room. he asks the clerk. "Is the porn on my telly disabled?"
No, she replies, "its regular porn you sicko"
Re: A traditional Friday Joke:
I just saw these questions in a magazine.
If a store is open 24 hours a day and 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors?
If you're in a vehicle travelling at the speed of light, what happens when you turn the lights on?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV 'set' when you only get one?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
Why is the word 'abbreviate' so long?
If a store is open 24 hours a day and 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors?
If you're in a vehicle travelling at the speed of light, what happens when you turn the lights on?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV 'set' when you only get one?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
Why is the word 'abbreviate' so long?
Atom 245, (Atom 160 - SOLD), Yamaha XVZ1300 Royal Star, Ford Sierra 4X4 Ghia Estate, Skoda Octavia vRS Estate, VW Golf 2.0 TSI GTI (Nadine's)
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests