A traditional Friday Joke:

[A 007 TOM]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

[AlanP]

A

[A 007 TOM]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it.

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[apollyon25]

Too true...

[A 007 TOM]

[A 007 TOM]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
                                                                                                                             
                                                                                                                             
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.                                 
                                                                                                                             
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,           
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.                                                                       
                                                                                                                             
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.   
                                                                                                                             
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to   
hold her up.                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                             
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'       
                                                                                                                             
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew  .....                                                                                                                                      ...
                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                           
'Ba**ards won't let me fart.'     

[wisp]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me.

Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

[Heywood-Yablowme]

I hope you weren't driving your Atom!

[wisp]

[quote="Heywood"]
I hope you weren't driving your Atom!
[/quote]

[A 007 TOM]

I was stuck in a traffic jam on the M1 when a man knocked on my car window.  I asked what was going on.  "Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling  - they're asking a £l0 million ransom - otherwise they will douse them with petrol and set them on fire.  We're going from car to car taking up a collection"  I asked him how much other drivers were giving.  He replied "most are giving about a gallon". 

[bodnet]

Not a joke as such, but I just found this one youtube!!



*Definately* NSFW!


Bod

[wisp]

A local brewery advertises using what are known, in NZ, as the "Tui Yeah Right" billboards. http://tui.co.nz/yrmap.asp

An example would be something like - Bruce prefers to watch Nascar rather than F1... Yeah, right.
Here are some Google images


My son said he saw one that read:

    Handbrakes are for hill starts and parking.  Yeah, right.

[AlanP]

What do you call a woman who shaves her bum?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Anita Harris

[Bruce Fielding]

ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.



A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon'
and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy..

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two sheep.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[wisp]

Awh, Brucie. Not a bit rattled are you? Suddenly resorting to sheep jokes about New Zealand. How original. 

Let me correct that last part for you....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You start off with 2 cows.
And before you know it you have one company that alone is responsible for more than a third of all international dairy trade. 

And as a result....

The Australians
keep getting drunk in the hope that people don't realise who has really been worrying the sheep.

The Iraqis
don't care that they have no cows but want as many sheep shipped live from New Zealand as possible.

The British
realise that it's not only their cows that have been mad but they should not have let cows go to New Zealand in the first place.

The Indians
all want to move to New Zealand. The land of the holy cow.

The Chinese
want New Zealand to send people to supervise the build two milking sheds for 150 milkers, and one cow.

Plus they want to process New Zealand's milk and improve it by adding melamine.

The Swiss
can't say how many of the 5000 cows they have actually come from New Zealand.

The Russians
want more New Zealand dairy products in exchange for more Ladas.

The Italians
are still out to lunch.

The Germans
are happy that New Zealand makes dairy products and not cars.

The Japanese
love to tour New Zealand and visit places were they can watch a cow being milked, try it themselves and also have their photo taken with a cow. Or with a sheep.

They also buy heaps of woollen goods to take home to Japan.

One day they will successfully clone a New Zealand sheep and a New Zealand cow.

The French
go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads in an effort to keep New Zealand butter and cheese out of the EEC.